ACTOR 1
And then
that year things got bad.
ACTOR 2
No, back
up a minute. I think things started going
bad earlier on.
ACTOR 3
Well, that
may be, but I think the worst thing about
2002 is
how so many people thought that the worst
had
already happened.
ACTOR 4
Exactly.
They were even talking about how "the world
will never
be the same after the events," like
history
had suddenly received a neat divider, like
when the
Cretaceous Era shifted into the Tertiary
Period.
DINOSAUR 1
Morning,
Diplodocus.
DINOSAUR 2
Morning,
Stegosaurus.
DINOSAUR 1
Well, you
look like hell.
DINOSAUR 2
Tell me
about it. Woke up this morning to find those
little
furry bastards had been burrowing around in
the nest.
DINOSAUR 1
No!
DINOSAUR 2
Yes!
Pecking at the shells and everything! I
squashed a
couple with my huge webbed foot, but the
rest got
away.
DINOSAUR 1
What a
mess. Man. Not that I don't have
problems of
my own.
DINOSAUR 2
Do tell.
DINOSAUR 1
Where do I
start? I've had this cold hanging on for
months, my
customary diet of lush verdant greens has
become
sparse in the changing climate, and, oh I
don't
know. I just don't seem to be having fun
anymore,
you know what I mean?
(Dinosaurs
3 and 4, a
pair of
Phorushacus, or large
flightless
primitive
birds, go running past,
hooting and
hollering like teenagers)
DINOSAUR 2
Now who
the holy hell is that?
DINOSAUR 1
It's those
damn Phorushacus.
DINOSAUR 2
Phorushacus?
DINOSAUR 1
Large
flightless primitive birds.
(they
come laughing and screaming past again)
Hooligans!
I know your parents!
DINOSAUR 2
The days
of gracious grazing are past, my friend.
The future
belongs to the likes of them.
DINOSAUR 1
I fear
you're right. It's depressing, you know?
DINOSAUR 2
Don't let
it all get you down. Hey, I hear there's
going to
be a spectacular meteor shower tonight!
DINOSAUR 1
Really?
Well at last! Something to look forward to!
ACTOR 1
What was
all that about?
ACTOR 5
Context.
ACTOR 1
Well,
anyhow, can we move up a bit, to say, the
beginning
of 2002?
ACTOR 2
It started
nice for me anyway.
ACTOR 3
We were at
that party. And I had a new dress to show
off.
ACTOR 4
And no one
felt like they had to talk about politics.
ACTOR 2
God no. I
haven't picked up a paper in weeks.
ACTOR 3
And midnight came, and we raised our
glasses.
ACTOR 1
I propose
a toast.
ACTOR 4
(aside)
Oh God.
ACTOR 1
To the end
of a difficult year, and the promise of
a new one.
ACTOR 3
(aside)
Jacob
always has to do this.
ACTOR 1
To peace
in our time, and the healing of our hurt
hearts.
ACTOR 2
(aside)
The guy
starts writing movie reviews for the
Stranger,
and suddenly he's a goddamn toastmaster.
ACTOR 1
To better
times and the wisdom to appreciate them.
ACTOR 3
(aside; referring to Actor 5)
He was just about to kiss me! He was going
to kiss
me at the
stroke of midnight! I could
just tell!
ACTOR 1
To the
hope that children inspire, and their gift of
clear
innocent vision.
ACTOR 5
(aside)
God I'm
drunk.
ACTOR 3
(aside)
Shut up!
Shut up with your damn speeches!
ACTOR 1
Now if we
can all link up and sing Auld Lang Syne.
I've had
the song sheets printed up with all five
verses.
ACTOR 2
Uh, I've
got to get going.
(leaves)
ACTOR 4
That's my
ride.
(leaves)
ACTOR 5
Excuse me.
(he
runs off to be sick)
ACTOR 3
Perfect.
ACTOR 1
Well,
okay. We'll start with the second verse, just
you and
me. "And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely
I'll be mine."
ACTOR 3
Go to
hell, Jacob.
ACTOR 1
So yes, we
had a bad start to the year. And I made
fondue!
ACTOR 5
My tongue
needed a lawnmower the next day.
ACTOR 2
I got the
flu, that weird one, where. . .
ACTOR 4
You feel
almost drunk, but never fun drunk, for days
on end?
ACTOR 2
No.
ACTOR 1
The one
where you can't keep anything down except 7-
up and
crackers?
ACTOR 2
No.
ACTOR 3
The kind
where you can't call the woman you almost
kissed on
New Year's?
ACTOR 2
What are
you talking about?
ACTOR 4
And then
finally I got laid off.
ACTOR 3
And that hurricane hit Cancun,
but I didn't want to
go alone
anyhow.
ACTOR 5
And work
got, believe it or not, even more boring.
ACTOR 1
Things did
tend to get both obscure and speeded up
somehow.
ACTOR 2
Are we
still at war?
ACTOR 5
America
at War: A Special Report.
ACTOR 4
The War on
Terrorism: the Invisible Enemy.
ACTOR 3
America's
Special Invisible War.
ACTOR 2
Who is Our
New Enemy?
ACTOR 1
The War on
Drugs and the War on Terrorism: Are They
the Same
Thing?
ACTOR 2
Eco-Terrorism: The New Green Look of War?
ACTOR 3
Is anyone
reading these stories, or just the
headlines?
ACTOR 4
They
aren't writing stories anymore. Just headlines.
ACTOR 5
My
definition of terrorism? The news media of the
last six
months.
ACTOR 3
I saw him
at the grocery store. He was standing near
the
express lane.
ACTOR 5
I don't
recognize the world I'm living in any more.
When did I
jump the rails?
ACTOR 3
And I
decided to be direct.
ACTOR 5
I hate
that little fucker, and so do all my friends,
so where
is this 90% approval rating coming from?
ACTOR 3
(rehearsing)
Hey, how's
it going? You lose my number or what?
ACTOR 5
It's like
that movie where they have those
sunglasses
where when they put them on they can see
that all
those people around them are actually. . .
(He puts on
glasses from kiosk)
ACTORS 1, 2 4
(undergoing momentary hideous transformation)
REPUBLICANS!
ACTOR 3
Finally I
get up the nerve.
(she
starts towards him)
ACTOR 5
Screw this
line. I'll buy my milk and eggs at the
corner
market.
(he
brushes past her without seeing her)
Excuse me.
ACTOR 3
Well
things just got worse.
ACTOR 1
Oh they
did. The recession became a depression,
and. . .
ACTOR 2
There was
that oil spill, and the genetically
engineered
bacteria that ate it along with all
plastics
on the Eastern seaboard, and. . .
ACTOR 4
The pope
got very, very weird.
THE POPE
You like
my new robe?
ANNOUNCER
Recurring rumors
about the Pope's deteriorating
mental
state have been vehemently denied by the
Vatican.
THE POPE
That
Bjork, she's one hot momma!
ANNOUNCER
"The
Holy Pontiff is as healthy today as upon his
election."
THE POPE
All of
that stuff about contraception and abortion?
What was I
thinking? You get it on, young people!
But play
safe!
(two
cardinals come and hustle him off.)
ANNOUNCER
After a
brief illness, his holiness passed into
eternity.
ACTOR 5
Meantime
there was another anthrax scare, and the
hostage
situation up at ANWAR.
ACTOR 1
And more
wars, with someone. . .
ACTOR 2
And more
craziness. . .
ACTOR 4
And more
school shootings. . .
ACTOR 3
And he
still hasn't called.
ACTOR 5
And the
earthquake and subsequent tsunami.
ACTOR 2
And I got
a new job.
ACTOR 5
And I got
fired.
ACTOR 2
So did I a
week later.
ACTOR 1
And work
dried up. . .
ACTOR 3
And so did
the lawns that summer. . .
ACTOR 4
And I went
back to school that autumn, which was. . .
ACTOR 5
Boring.
Boring! Boring! Day after day watching the
severance
package dwindle, and nothing to look
forward
to, and then it was Christmas with my psycho
family,
and then Jacob's. . . .
ACTOR 1
New Year's
Party, and I'm making fondue!
ACTOR 2
What the
hell.
ACTOR 3
I've got
nothing else to do.
ACTOR 4
Last year's sucked, but. . .
ACTOR 5
There's
always hope. And this year I'm not really
drinking.
ACTOR 1
This year
I don't have a long boring toast.
ACTOR 3
This year
I'm high as a kite.
ACTOR 4
Mmmm. Me
too.
ACTOR 5
Hey! Well
what a lovely surprise!
ACTOR 3
Hello
yourself.
ACTOR 5
God, it's.
. .Diane, right?
ACTOR 3
Uh-huh.
And you are...
ACTOR 5
Jerry.
ACTOR 3
That's
right. Well, nice seeing you.
ACTOR 5
More than
nice to see you.
(the
others begin a countdown)
Umm, you
going to step out and see the fireworks?
ACTOR 3
Might as
well.
ACTOR 5
Maybe this
year the damn thing will actually launch.
ALL
Happy New
Year!
ACTOR 3
Happy New
Year.
(she
gives Jerry a little kiss.)
ACTOR 5
Happy New
Year.
(he
kisses her back. It's good. They stop and
look
at each other.)
THE END
