The Statistician: A One Minute Play

The Statistician

I've been asked to write a one-minute play for an upcoming short play contest. The topic was pretty general--whatever happened to be on my mind and in the air at the time I was writing. It didn't come til the last minute, but here it is. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of it because it does exactly what I want it to do.

(Three people: a boy, a housewife, and a soldier, sit on three chairs, with a fourth one empty. A person with a clipboard stands in front of them.)

            THE STATISTICIAN         
          (indicating the empty seat)
    Sorry about that. Unpleasant. Now. Who's next?

            THE BOY    
    I think I am.

            THE STATISTICIAN     
    All right. And where are you?

            THE BOY     
    At school. Fifth period algebra.

(The Statistician makes a note)

            THE STATISTICIAN
         (friendly but clinical)
    And how's that?

            THE BOY
     Boring. I'm daydreaming.

(He nods and turns to:)

            THE STATISTICIAN
     And you?

            HOUSEWIFE
     At the mall with a friend. It's a spa day and we're starting with
     our nails.

            THE STATISTICIAN
     Your children?

            HOUSEWIFE
     Neighbor's got them for the day, thank god. About ready to kill
     Jenny. She just won't stop picking on....

            THE STATISTICIAN
     Yes, yes. I see. It's not really relevant.

            HOUSEWIFE
     No?

            THE STATISTICIAN
     They're not with you. That's the important part.

            HOUSEWIFE
     Oh.

            THE STATISTICIAN
         (turning to the soldier)
    And you?

            THE SOLDIER
     Just leaving my shift at the base. Nothing up.

            THE STATISTICIAN
     Nothing?

            THE SOLDIER
         (thinks)
    Nope. Not so much as a kid with firecrackers.

(The statistician makes another note.)

            THE BOY
     Excuse me?

            THE STATISTICIAN
     Yes?

            THE BOY
     What's the point of this?

            THE STATISTICIAN
     It's our sacred duty.

            HOUSEWIFE
     Sacred? How could it be....

            THE STATISTICIAN
     It's in the Constitution.

            THE SOLDIER
     That's sacred.

            THE STATISTICIAN
     I'm glad you agree. Because I'm afraid...
        (he checks the list again)
    It's your turn.
        (The statistician pulls a gun out from his or her coat and points it at the soldier. All three look on in weary horror.)
    Close your eyes. It'll be over in a moment. And God bless America.

(Lights out)